John's Profile: Part Two

Missed the first part? Read it here.

He’s keeping me here. I'm an hour and half past Wilding, Saskatchewan. In Canada! It’s straight past the Neon Gas Station. There’s a red barn. Please find me here. I’m in the downstairs thing on the far side of the house!

Narrator: I told my friends about John the next day.

Ed: You guys know Teddy from Good Luck Charlie is getting a PhD and a Law Degree at Harvard?

Vada: I think she's done it already. Why?

Ed: We need something like that.

Vada: A PhD? 

Helmsley: Or do you want to star in a remarkably good children’s sitcom?

Ed: We need to be famous! If that girl can get into Harvard, we can get into Medical School. 

Vada: “That girl” is Bridgit fucking Mendler. A queen! 

Helmsley: Yeah, I smell misogyny. She probably worked her ass off for that. 

Ed: I’m not saying she doesn’t work hard. I just—I’m saying the opposite of that! If we stand out AND have good resumés, then schools would be knocking on our door, right? 

Vada: Didn’t we talk about this already? 

Ed: Yeah, but I have an idea. 

Vada: What’s that?

Ed: If we stand out, we get in. I think we could go viral. 

Vada: Viral? Huh?

Ed: Yeah, like we could be popular, and famous--

Vada: No, I know what viral is, you goof. But why?

Ed: To have a good story to tell for medical school interviews.

Helmsley: Do schools care about that?

Ed: Yes. They want well-rounded people.

Helmsley: How would you even do it?

Ed: The video of that kid.

Vada: What kid?

Ed: The one I was watching at Helmsley’s. 

Helmsley: Was that the chocolate vodka kid?

Vada: Isn’t that video fake?

Helmsley: It’s fake as fuck.

Vada: That one reminds me of the rooster and hen conspiracy. You remember that one? 

Helmsley: Oh fuck yes I do! You take a rooster, turn it upside down and—

Ed: Holy fuck, you guys. Stay with me! I’m talking about the screaming kid.

Vada: The screaming kid?

Helmsley: Oh. That video is fake too. 

Narrator: My friends were on board immediately.

Ed: But what if it's not?

Helmsley: What if my Mom was my Dad? 

Vada: Then that would be totally okay.

Ed: I want to find the kid, seriously! If we go viral for saving this kid, medical school is a sure bet. We would literally be the people who saved a victim of a kidnapping! Heroes, guys. News outlets would pick it up and we could tell the story and ya know, get into school.

Vada: So, you want to add "rescued a TikTok kid," to your CV?

Ed: I've gotten an interview the last two cycles, and I got rejected. Pursuing something for selfless reasons shows good character. If I tell this story, I'm in. And you could get in, too.

Helmsley: His acting was shit, dude.

Ed: Whatever. What if we went out there and tried to find him? 

Helmsley: Out where? 

Ed: He says where he is in one of the videos. 

Helmsley: That’s convenient. 

Ed: He wants to be saved.  

Helmsley: Don't believe everything you see on the Internet. If it was real, it would be all over the place and the cops would be swarming that place. 

Vada: Yeah Ed, leave this shit to the cops. 

Ed: He tried the cops!

Helmsley: No, he didn't.

Ed: I just wanna check it out. We could get lucky, maybe? Hopefully we save a kid, and get into medical school. 

Vada: You’re reaching. 

Helmsley: Yeah man, you didn’t get into medical school and now you’re freaking out. Plus if it was real, it would be viral as fuck. You can tell when someone is bullshitting.

Vada: There would be a missing person’s report, too.

Ed: He said his Mom and Grandpa did it! In one of the videos! And his Dad is out of the picture so—

Helmsley: –Classic Dad move.

Ed: —So who would there be to file a missing person’s report?

Vada: His friends?

Ed: Remember when kids would disappear over the summer and we would never see them again? Did you file a missing person’s report?

Helmsley: Yes, every time.

Vada: I get your point. But what about the people that saw the video before you?

Ed: The one on my feed had 83 views. Nobody gives a shit when you have 83 views. 

Helmsley: Fuck it. I’ll go.

Ed: Wait, really? 

Helmsley: Can I smoke before?

Ed: I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Helmsley: Then yeah, let’s chase some bullshit internet conspiracy. 

Ed: Works for me. Vada? 

Vada: Sure, I’ll smoke.

Ed: Hah. You in?

Vada: I just can’t believe the cops aren’t on this.

Ed: He called the cops and they thought it was a prank. 

Vada: Right. 

Helmsley: You want a rip, Ed?

Ed: You know I don’t smoke. So, you’re in, Vada? 

Vada: Yeah, whatever. We should watch Lemonade Mouth when we get back. 

Narrator: We were all beyond excited at the chance to save a life. We were sad that the system failed this kid. But we were sure that we wouldn’t fail him.

Like this video and when we get back, I’ll post what we found!

Ed: That’s pretty good, right guys?  

Helmsley: It was captivating.

Vada: A masterclass of virality, truly. 

Helmsley: I’m on the edge of my seat!

Ed: Seriously, it’s good though, right?

Helmsley: Let thee of TikTok shower you in the praises of virality!

Vada: Indeed, may thou TikTokian Gods of today bless young Edward with– 

Ed: Okay, both of you can eat your Dad’s respective holes. I’m posting it.