John's Profile: Part One

UPDATE: Part two of John's Profile is live right here.

Author's Note: The following is part one of a short horror that I am working on. Originally, I conceptualized it as a comic. It may still become one, but that costs time and money!

I hope you enjoy the first part here. The second part will arrive in the new year...

CHAPTER 1:

[** 0:00:00] Have you ever heard of the Angler Fish Conspiracy?

No! What is it?

Okay, so you know the fish with the bulb in front of them? Like a light bulb that goes off of their like–

Yes! Like the one in Finding Nemo!?

YES! That one, okay, so, they think those aren’t real.

Not real?

YES!! So, there is a theory that those fish are made up by scientists.

Oooh?!

When NASA used to explore the ocean, they needed something to say what they found was crazy. And think about it bro, a fish with a light? That makes no sense!

It really doesn’t!

And then NASA stopped exploring the ocean and said let's get off the planet… So what do you think they really found?

Find the Big PHAT Podcast wherever you get your podcasts... [** 0:00:34]

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[** 0:00:00] The rather mysterious vanishing of an elder–

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[ ** 0:00:00] Dinosaurs have lived for 99% of all existence.. Humans have been here for less than 0.1%…

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[ ** 0:00:00] 13 reasons that YOU should eat eggs everyday! 

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 [** 0:00:00]. How the fuck. Is this – fucking. [** 0:00:05] Bitch! [** 0:00:10] Mom! Hello? Mom! I hope you fucking hear this! I hope you die driving out of here! I hope you crash the fucking sedan! And you find out that God is real! And you burn forever with what he does to you. The prayers! The prayers you taught me were bullsh– [** 0:00:20]

Action: Ed closes his phone, grabs toilet paper, and wipes. He gets up and leaves the bathroom.

Ed: Vada! Finally! 

Vada: Sorry. Got caught up at the care home.

Helmsley: Finally yourself, dude. Were you shitting?

Ed: No, I was scrolling on TikTok. 

Helmsley: You stand and scroll? 

Ed: I sit when I pee. You should thank me for keeping your floor clean. 

Vada: Where’s your laptop? 

Ed: Right here. 

Vada: Alright. Let’s do this, then. 

Helmsley: You guys got this, c’mon now.

Ed: I appreciate it, Helm. 

Vada: Yeah, thanks Helmsley. Ready, Ed?

Ed: Logging in. 

Helmsley: Let’s fucking go!

Ed: Ready! 

Vada: 3... 2...

Ed: 1.

…

Helmsley: Well?

Vada: I didn’t get in.

Ed: Fuck!

Vada: Did you?

Ed: No. Fuck! 

Helmsley: Fuck…

Vada: Fuck. 

Narrator: And that’s basically how this all got started. Other than finding out we didn’t get into medical school– Again. It was a normal day with my friends.

We talked about how we can do some good in the world. That’s kind of what my friends and I are all about. Doing things that matter. 

Ed: We need to star in a sitcom. 

Vada: Right, I’ll get on that. Let me call up Hitchcock. 

Ed: He doesn’t direct sitcoms. 

Vada: Oh. 

Ed: And he died like fifty years ago. 

Narrator: We talked about ways we could make a positive impact on others. 

Ed: I wish I had cancer. 

Helmsley: What the fuck, man? 

Ed: Like, testicular cancer or something! I could lose a cube so that I have a good story to tell in med school interviews. 

Helmsley: Weed? 

Ed: You know that I don’t do shit that fucks up my brain. 

Helmsley: But, it prevents cancer. 

Ed: I just said I want cancer. 

Vada: It absolutely doesn’t prevent cancer. Pass me that. 

Narrator: And John McCarthy’s TikTok was still open on my phone. 

[** 0:00:22] I just– I’m going to live off of rats! I’m going to live off of rats!

Vada: What the fuck is that?

Ed: I don’t know, some kid yelling on TikTok. 

Helmsley: I can’t stand TikTok acting. Did you see the Rubik's cube trick that I sent you last night?

Ed: Yup, I need to learn that. Did you see the murder suicide by the Dad?

Helmsley: Oh yeah, forgot about that one. Inside a garbage truck? That part fucked me up.

Narrator: I didn’t think much of John at first, though. But then, we talked on the way home.

Ed: We need to be better. Like, more well-rounded applicants. All we’ve got are good grades. 

Vada: And a fucking mountain of extra-curriculars dude. How are we not well-rounded?

Ed: I know, I know. But we need to stand out more.

Vada: How? 

Ed: I don’t fucking know. 

Vada: I think I’m just gonna get my masters and move on. 

Ed: Like– Move on, move on? No medical school? 

Vada: Yeah, I’m tired.

Ed: Don’t you wanna like, do something better than that? 

Vada: Medical school isn’t the be all, end all. There are a lot of ways to be someone.

Ed: Nobody gives a shit when you get a masters, though.

Vada: That's not even true. Helmsley is halfway done with his masters right now and he’s happier than both of us. 

Ed: I guess. It doesn't make you a doctor, though.

Vada: I just feel like I’m jaded by this whole process. 

Ed: What do you mean?

Vada: Half of the reason I wanted to become a doctor was for money, and the other half was to do work that I can be proud of. But like, I can make enough money doing other shit, and I really like biology. If I get a masters, I can do that for a living. 

Ed: A masters would look good if you ever wanted to apply again, too. 

Vada: I just need money at this point.  

Narrator: I knew that we were both desperate to do good things in the world. And we both really wanted to get into medical school. I started to feel like we could help John.

That night, I let my parents know that I was rejected, again.  

Ed: Mom, Dad? I didn’t get in. 

Ed’s Dad: For fuck’s sake! How? Are you a Goddamn fuck wit??! I got in my first try at the same God damn schools you’re applying to! You’re a disappointment! A God for fuck-saken– 

Narrator: They told me they were proud of me no matter what. I went to bed and dug into the rabbit hole that is John McCarthy.

[** 0:00:00] If I die here, or if I live here. Please, God. If you’re there, let someone find my story. I called the police. It’s not a prank! They said it was a prank! I’m stuck here! If you’re watching this, please come here! My Grandpa! My Mom! They did this. They did this! 

This is my Mom’s fault, and my Grandpa’s fault. I am John! 

John McCarthy.

UPDATE: Part two of John's Profile is live right here.

Author's note: The second part will arrive in the new year...